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Friday,
September 05, 2003
In which I pose as a headless Greek goddess, and understand O.
Henry
Yesterday,
Tolio came home from wherever he was, and he brought a lot of
fruit, so maybe he was in the countryside? Who knows. I suppose
I could ask, but it's reached the point of awkwardness, so I probably
won't. At first I though he was standoffish, but it turns out
that he's pretty much deaf, so that explains why he doesn't talk
much. Other than that, he's really spry for his age. You should
see him sprint to get the telephone.
Class was pretty dull both Thursday and today, so this afternoon
I talked to coordinator Erin about getting moved up a level. She
said she'd talk to my professors this weekend, and if they felt
I should be bumped up, then I could. So we'll see.
On our lunch hour, we discovered this sign:

I have to go here.
But the real events of interest occurred after class today. Kate
and I headed over to the Hermitage, where students get free admission.
We could only stay a little over an hour, but what we did see
was very cool. Entering, we ran into another classmate, Jenny,
and the three of us made it through the Egyptian exhibit, the
ancient Greek exhibit and most of the ancient Roman rooms.

The inner courtyard
The Egyptian exhibit included a mummy, displayed with its multilayered
sarcophagus and other burial paraphanalia. I'm torn. On the one
hand, mummies are of historical interest, and this one was treated
pretty respectfully. On the other hand, the whole idea of an Egyptian
mummy was to put it someplace with all its stuff so it could be
ready for the afterlife, so digging it up and sticking it in a
museum seems pretty sacriligious. I know that leaving them in
the City of the Dead and whatnot leaves them open to graverobbing,
but something else could be done...
But it was cool.
There was quite a bit of other stuff, but the other item that
really grabbed my interest was a writing set used in ancient Egyptian
times - a box full of brushes with an inkwell and other little
items. It's just so personal. I can't help but wonder about the
person who used it.
The Roman rooms contained the real entertainment, though. For
example, here's a statue of Eros riding an vicious-looking fanged
dolphin:
And I'm not sure why this statue of Hermes cracked me up, but
it did. I mean, I know it's the goofy little wings on his head,
but I think the fact that someone gilded them makes it funnier.
Maybe it's just me.
We also posed in front of various statues, mimicing them. Yeah,
I know, touristy. But it was amusing. This one in particular is
great. I normally don't post pictures of myself or people I talk
about in the blog to the blog, as I figure I'm already stalkable
enough without giving psychos a photographic guide. But this can
be an exception...
We waited until everyone was out of the room to take it. Little
did I know that after I pulled up my gigantic turtleneck, a huge
horde of Spanish tourists entered the room. After Kate finished
the photo, I uncovered my head to discover them laughing. One
dude was actually clapping.
I took a half-assed bow, and we hurried out of the room. I'm sure
my face was as red as my shirt.
The art and history was fascinating, but I think the true beauty
of the Hermitage is the architecture itself. For example, in this
room, the Greek pottery was cool, but the ceiling is awesome:
And here's the archway entrance to the courtyard:
This is my favorite picture from the trip.
After we left the museum, Kate and I took the metro to meet Katia
and Anton. The metro was the usual ordeal; this time, the traincar
stopped underground under one of the canals, and we heard giant
wooshing noises. I was convinced that we were going to be hit
by a train; Kate thought it was a flood. Neither occurred, so
I guess it was a ghost train. Or a ghost flood. The car started
up again, and we escaped in one piece.
Happy to be alive, we went to see a play. It was a variation on
that O. Henry story where the circus guys kidnap the red-headed
kid. It was laugh-out-loud funny, and I'm happy to say that I
understood at least half the jokes. My Russian must be better
than I thought.
- declared by Liusia @ 1:20
PM
Wednesday,
September 03, 2003
In which I am devoured by the Russian mass transportation
system, and buy an electrical cord
Tuesday:
I don't even want to talk about breakfast. Suffice it to say,
my stomach is going to explode. And she made me take an apple
and a banana. And wear boots, because it's cold and
I could get sick and if I get sick I'll die.
I took myself to class this morning. Sonya wanted to go, but
her arthritis was acting up, so I said I would go alone so
she wouldn't stress her leg and hurried out before she could
argue.
At the tramvai stop, there was this guy. Someone must have
told him that he looked exactly like Sergei
Bodrov Jr., because he had dressed himself like the Danila
character from Brother, had the same haircut, and
was rocking a cd player. He did look a lot like Bodrov (except,
like, not dead in an avalance) although, weirdly enough, somewhat
more conventionally attractive. But less sexappealny (that's
an actual Russian word, yo.)
On the metro, I was accosted by either the world's worst pickpocket
or Russia's stupidest molester. He was all groping in my pocket,
which meant he was grabbing my ass. (The metro is pickpocket
heaven - people are crowded in so closely that you can't tell
if someone's just bumping you or robbing you.) Luckily, I
am too cool for words, and without even looking at him or
changing my expression, I caught his wrist in my viselike,
sharpened fingernails grip, gave it the death squeeze, then
shoved it away from me. After that, somehow, despite the dense
crowd, he managed to scurry away from me. Heh. And it was
just that smooth, you guys. (Look, I need to gloat about how
cool I was here, because when you hear the Story of How I
Got Home, I'm going to lose what few suave points I have.)
Upon arriving at school, I discovered that I'd been placed
into the 2nd group. Not bad - 1st is the highest, but 2 out
of 7(? I think it's 7 total) is pretty good.
Professor Nickolai is my Russian-for-foreigners grammar teacher.
Dude, he even has Nicolas Cage twichy mannerisms. Maybe he
really is Nicolas Cage.
I had my first literature class and my first media class.
Both of them were kind of...easy. Unnerving.
No luck in the search for an adapter or plug, despite Anton's
help.
Yeah, okay, the trip home. So, I go to the Nevskii Prospekt
metro station, and it's closed. All right, no problem. I take
the tramvai to the next metro station. I manage the metro
without significant difficulty. The real fun starts when I
get to the metro station nearest Sonya's apartment, and try
to catch the tramvai there. I go to where the tramvai stopped
yesterday. A tramvai drives up. Passengers disembark. I go
to get in. The conductor yells something unintelligble at
me (seriously, I think he was speaking Ukranian), possibly
about the train being out of order. Okay. I wait for the next
tramvai, and this one, when I manage to shove through the
crowd and start to get in, closes the doors on me and I barely
escape being dragged down the tracks. Bruised and pissy, I
decide that the bus is a better bet. I go to the clearly marked
bus stop, and proceed to wait. For a half an hour. A crazy-looking
woman approaches me and asks if I've ever had my portrait
done. I reply, cleverly, "um, what?" She says, "oh, you're
a foreigner, sorry," and hurries away. Yeah, I have no idea
what that was, except that apparently I even have an accent
when I say the word "shto" ("what"). Finally, the bus comes.
I go to get in. The conductor informs me, actually quite pleasantly,
that this is the bus stop for the passengers to get out, not
get in. Understandably, I am confused, because then, why is
it even labelled on the street? But I have learned that Russia
is crazy, so I ask her where the getting-on bus stop is. She
points it out. I thank her, and go to the other bus stop.
I wait for a half hour. No busses come. Fed up, I hail a taxi-bus
and pay the extra for it to take me straight home. (Okay,
so the taxi-bus was 12 rubles, about 50 cents, versus 6 rubles,
about 25 cents, but it's the principle of the thing. Plus,
the taxi-busses are really scary. The drivers are insane.)
I get home, quite late. I tell the story to Sonya, who decides
that that means I need to eat more to fortify myself against
these terrifying experiences. Le sigh.
Sonya and I spend the evening watching Russian soap operas,
which are beautiful, beautiful things. There's this one, set
in the 50s, called "Two Fates," about these girls who are
married to these guys who are part of the Soviet bureaucracy,
and always in danger of the gulag and whatnot, and the one
girl is pregnant with the bad guy's baby, but her husband
thinks it's his. And there's another one, actually a Brazillian
soap opera dubbed into Russian, that takes place just before
WWII, and is about these wacky Brazillian Jews. And then we
watched a show called "Wait for Me" where the show reunites
long-lost friends and relatives, like sisters who lost each
other in the war, or kids who ran away from home, or this
girl whose dad went to America right after she was born and
then her mom divorced him and she never got to see him. And
the great thing is that no matter how the people got separated,
they always just seem happy to see one another.
Wednesday:
Today, Sonya decided that she needed to take me to school,
because of yesterday's Bad Mass Transport Experience. And
today I had to bring three apples with me.
We got off the metro at the stop at the top of Nevskii Prospekt,
and she decided that I was capable of taking the bus down
the street by myself. Um, that was a mistake. I got on going
the wrong way (don't ask) and ended up in a different commercial
area. So I got off, and got on a bus going the correct direction,
but I ended up getting off that bus after about five minutes
because I saw the Holy Grail.
In the window of of a super-iffy looking store, a sign said
"Notebooky." Since a notebook in Russian is a "tetrad," I
assumed this meant computer notebooks, and I was correct.
I decended into this sketchy, sketchy basement outlet store,
where four suited men stood in a perfect row, like soldiers
at attention. Behind them was a counter with a row of laptops.
There was no other computer sequipment visible. Despite the
weirdness (and the fact that I was obviously in a mafia front)
, I forged on. "Good day. I'm searching for a plug, cord or
adapter, for I purchased a laptop in the United States, and
given the difference between elecrical systems, of course
it does not work here," I said in my ridiculously rehearsed,
dictionary-assisted Russian.
Suit #1 looked at me appraisingly. "Without seeing the cord
you have, I'm not sure what you need," he answered.
"I have the cords with me," I said, whipping them out of my
sachel with a flourish, prepared for just such an eventuality.
He took my laptop cords, examining them closely. Then he called
on Suit #3, addressing him as "Sashka," and they examined
the cords together, murmurring. Then Sashka disappeared behind
the counter, and emerged with a misshappen little device,
and attached it to my power cord. Then the two of them examined
the cord some more.
"Will it work?" I asked.
"We can't be sure," Suit #1 replied, continuing to stare at
the cords. Then, he had an idea. He tried plugging the
cord in.
The light on my surge protector lit up.
Huzzah!
"How much?" I asked
"For
you? Nothing," Sashka said.
After that, I ran into Katia at the Nevskii Prospekt metro
station. And here began another adventure in Russian
mass transit. We were supposed to go to a certain stop to
meet our classmates to go see the US Embassy and the European
medical clinic, so we'd know where they were. First of all,
like complete dorks, after the first leg of the metro trip,
we ended up exiting the station instead of transferring lines.
When we tried to go back in, the machine ate Katia's card,
and made horrible noises at us. So she went and talked to
the ticket-seller, who fixed it somehow, and then we got back
on the metro. We called the group leader Erin's cell phone
to say we were going to be late, and she said she'd have someone
wait for us. But when we made it to the correct stop, the
only person there was this guy Trey (also from our group)
who was only there because he was late too. And there were
some guys playing the accordion. So we tried to call again,
but the phone wasn't working, and we had to find another phone,
and that one wouldn't work either, but on the third try we
got Erin, and she said they were just around the corner, but
obviously they weren't, because they never showed up.
So we called again and this time she gave Trey directions
to the clinic, and told us to meet them there, but then Trey
walked off all fast and left us behind, so we decided "screw
this, it's time to find a damn toilet anyway." So we followed
a sign that said "toilet, 50 meters" and pointed at this building
about 50 meters away in the middle of a pretty park. We went
to the building, but it turned out to be the clubhouse for
an organization of interior designers, and when we went inside,
all we found were zillions of vases and flowers and no public
bathrooms at all.
Finally, a little older lady came out, and we said that we
were lost and looking for a bathroom. She asked if it was
bad. I replied, yes, it is bad. So she offered the interior
designer's bathroom. Then, we tried to leave, but the door
was apparently locked. I tried pushing on it a bit, but it
just made an ominous cracking noise, so I quit that. The lady
noticed our problem, and came over and asked if the door was
trapping people again, then taking a running start,
footballer bodyslammed the thing, and it burst open.
So we walked a few blocks, and discovered that we were on
the street Katia lives on, so we caught a bus and headed for
her house to find a restaurant, because by this point, despite
the excessive fruit, I was pretty hungry. But there was a
big fight on the bus between the conductor and this woman
who claimed to be an invalid but didn't have a bus pass (elderly
people and disabled people get free mass transit passes) and
when the fight came to blows, we decided to hop off. But we
found ourselves next to a bakery, so we went in and got delicious
rolls, and called Anton, who met up with us, and Erin, who
informed us that we were supposed to meet at the Fontanka
at 6 pm for a canal ride. Trey had told us that we were supposed
to meet at "either 8 or 18 hundred, don't know which" at the
Trotsky Bridge, so it was a good thing we decided to call
her.
So we met up with the group and went for a boat ride, which
was really touristy but really fun. Here are some pictures:

The Circus. I just like the light effect in this picture.

Peter the Great's modest house

The Engineering Palace

The Hermitage

The Admirality

St. Issac's Cathedral
Surprisingly, I managed to make it home after this without incident.
This place is so surreal.
- declared by Liusia @ 1:19
PM
Tuesday,
September 02, 2003
In which I am adopted, and sent off to be taught Russian by
Nikolai Cage
Sunday
at three, I packed my bags and said goodbye to the awesome
brown hotel room, praying that my host family would also have
such amenities as hot running water, electricity and a phone.
With a certain degree of trepidation, I headed to the 3rd
floor lounge, where we were supposed to meet our host families.
I was greeted by a short, robust older lady with crazy grey
hair and pretty eyes, who somehow managed to give me a hug
and a kiss on the cheek despite the fact that she's about
a foot and a half shorter than me. Sonya. I think it's safe
to describe her as a "character," although I kind of hate
that use of the word. "Oh, he's such a character" is usually
code for "get your crazy drunk uncle out of my house." But
she really is. (A character, not a crazy drunk uncle.) We
took a taxi to her apartment, and the entire way, she explained
to me in detail the approximately 10 million modes of transportation
that reach her neighborhood. For the record, you can take
any combination of about 10 busses, 5 tramvai (a tramvai is
kind of this electrical trolley thing) and two metro lines.
She also rattled off the entire history of Aleksandr Nevskii
Square as we drove past it, periodically consulting the cabbie
on the finer points of history and transportation. He grunted
in reply.
Eventually, we reached the apartment building. Basically,
it's a tenement. That sounds really negative, but it's not
so. See, you know how in the US a lot of the time people put
a lot of work into keeping their yard all pretty and their
house all presentable and then the interior is just nasty
chaos? It seems to be just the opposite in Russia. The apartment
building is hella sketchy, down to the evil clanking lift,
wild dogs and the complete lack of lighting, but as soon as
you go through the series of giant security doors and step
into the apartment, it's like entering another world. It's
bright and cheery, with fresh paint and lovely wood and tile
floors, full of puffy, brightly colored chairs and well-stocked
bookshelves.
When we walked in, I was accosted immediately by a big rangy
black mutt. This was a surprise, as the letter had only mentioned
a cat, but a pleasant one - I love dogs. They're not mysterious
and capricious like cats.
(I'm afraid of cats. I know it's a ridiculous phobia, but
there it is. When one jumps out at me, I consistently scream.
I don't like their creepy glowy eyes in the dark, either.
I think this phobia is related to the network of scars on
my left arm - when I was three or four, one of our stupid
barn cats attacked me. So, in summary, I was happy to see
the dog.)
Sonya spent about a half hour relating the dog's life story.
I'll summarize it: The dog was homeless, but Sonya's friend
took it in last winter, taking pity on it because it was starving
to death and its eye was infected and swollen up. It turned
out to be a good house pet, so her friend kept it, but now
her friend went to dacha for a fall vacation, so she's taking
care of the dog. I think the dog's name is Dina, but Sonya
pretty much calls it "Khooliganka" or "Durotchka" ("Hooligan-girl"
or "Stupidetta," basically.)
After a half hour of canine biography, she offhandedly mentioned
that her husband (who is pretty frikkin' old...like 80) was
gone somewhere for a few weeks. I guess she felt the dog was
more interesting, athough I am curious as to where an elderly
Russian man could disappear to alone for long periods of time.
Other than a drinking binge.
My room is really nice. It's huge. It's like three Ogg Hall
dorm rooms put together, except cheerfully decorated and pleasant.
Also, the water DOES run and the electricity DOES work, so
that's three out of four. No telephone. I can live with that.
About five minutes after coming in, Sonya asked me if I wanted
a snack. I said, "sure." That was a mistake, my friends, because
by "snack," she meant a giant bowl of soup, some kind of meat
and vegetable salad, meat-filled blini, an entire tomato and
three cups of tea. Oh, and tea cakes. I said I was full about
five times, but it didn't work, the food just kept coming.
It was good, it was just...oh, my God. Finally, when she offered
to make me a sandwich, I hit on the strategy of yawning theatrically
and saying I had jet lag, upon which she immediately insisted
that I go take a nap straightaway because it's not good to
be tired, you can get sick and if you get sick, you die. (I've
since this learned that everything that is done in Russia
is done to avoid getting sick, because if you get sick, you
die. More on that later.)
So I slept for a few hours. When I woke up, she was cooking
again. This time it was some crazy concoction of
zuchini and garlic. Dude, I don't know, it was actually pretty
good, but just too weird. She asked me if I liked it, and
I said yes, but I preferred the meat dishes from earlier.
She expressed huge relief, telling me that all the silly Amerikankas
just ate vegetables and while vegetables were good, meat was
much better for you (if there's not enough meat on your bones,
you can get sick and die), especially in the winter, and she
was so relieved that I wasn't silly about food.
She also told me that she never had any kids, so she likes
having exchange students to fuss over. I'm exchange student
number 7, and apparently, the first one not named "Jenny"
or "Jessica."
She was also relieved that I brought slippers, because without
house slippers, you can catch a cold and get sick and...you
know the drill.
If I don't die of some kind of stomach impaction, this place
is going to be great.
Monday:
I got up at 8 am, and Sonya had breakfast ready. Dear God,
did she have breakfast ready. I got a giant omlet, sweet blini
with jelly, a tomato, a cucumber, two cups of tea and an apple.
She also insisted that I bring an apple with me, because I
might get hungry. I don't think that's possible at this point.
I pointed out that the apple wouldn't fit in my little purse.
In response, she crawled into the hall closet (which looks
to be about two inches deep, but somehow she completely disappeared
into the thing. Magic?) There was a spectacular crackling
noise, and I heard her muffled muttering in Russian (an incantation?).
Finally she emerged with a big black purse (that she conjured?).
"Vot," she said.
I've resigned myself to the fact that nothing here makes sense.
So, she took me to school. First we rode the tramvai, then
we rode the metro, then we emerged from the metro's fabulously
decorated (no, for real, Russia's metro stations are works
of art) depths to see the giant church-thing that is right
next to my university. She explained to me that it's the Kazansky
Sobor (Kazan Cathedral) and it's really old. No further details
were forthcoming. I will have to do research.
I managed to convince her that not only could I make it to
the apartment that evening on my own, but that Katia and I
were going to do some shopping first and I promised, promised
we wouldn't be mugged or get lost.
Pretty things I saw on my way to school:

The Church on the Spilled Blood, built where Tsar Alexander
II bit the big one

The old Singer sewing machine factory, now a bookstore
School today consisted of a really easy written placement
test, an oral interview, and a meeting with the other American
students. The classrooms are beat-up and old, so I feel right
at home (ahh, Van Hise Hall, how I miss thee) and the teachers
are quite solicitous. One of the weird things about Russia
is that everyone goes around looking pissed-off and forbidding
in the streets and in shops (and in the bank. Stupid bank
girl) but in personal interactions, are very warm and friendly.
This is something that I can support. Why in the heck are
Americans so friggin' smiley, anyway? It doesn't make the
fast food burger taste any better. At least here I don't look
like an unusually crabby bitch when I walk down the street
scowling.
The big weirdness is that one of the professors looks exactly
like Nicholas Cage. It's seriously freakish. I don't know
what his real name is, but from now on, he's Professor Nickolai.
Katia, Kate, Sofia (another Amerikanka) and I went out for
pizza between classes. Once again, we immediately were given
the English menu, after exactly one word spoken (The server
asked "how many" and Katia said, "four.") And then we got
English-Speaking Sasha as our waiter. It was actually pretty
cute - he seemed pleased to bust out his textbook English.
But I'm still trying to figure out what kind of American Vibes
we're giving off.
At the market, I found and bought an awesome black leather
sachel. But the search for a plug so I can recharge my laptop
continues. I'm worried - I only have like 20 minutes of power
left. Can a plug even be found? Maybe Sonya can conjure one
out of her magical Narnia closet.
- declared by Liusia @ 1:19
PM
Monday,
September 01, 2003
In which I discover that Russia has a market economy
Saturday
pretty much consisted of wandering around the city, getting
used to the area around the college. Oh, and Kate and I
found a restaurant called the Kazan Cafe, and I got a decent
steak for 100 rubles (about three dollars). Yay, Russia!
Although getting the steak was a little embarassing.
Coat check lady: Yedilicafe?
Me (in Russian): I'm sorry, again please?
Coat check lady: Yed...ili...cafe. (food or coffee?)
Me (in Russian): Oh oh. Yed.
Coat check lady (in Russian): Can I take your coats?
(Kate gives the coat check lady her coat.)
Me: No, thank you, I'm cold.
(Coat check lady flags down a server)
Coat check lady (to server): Give them the English menu.
Heh.
We also changed money, which was a barrel of monkeys. At
the bank, I tried to get roubles out of my visa check card
(which the sign said was possible). "2,500 roubles from
my visa, please," I said. The bank girl stared at me, then
said, "2,500?" disbelievingly. I did math in my head again,
quickly, confirming that 2,500 was around $80. "Um, yes?"
I replied. She glared at me, then fussed with the machine
thing for about 10 minutes, grumbling to herself. I though
I was being in some way stupid, but then finally
she called over another teller, who explained to her how
to work the machine, and bitched at her for being dumb.
So I guess she was just pissy because she didn't know how
to do it. But now I've discovered that the ATMs dispense
both roubles and dollars, so I won't have to go back to
the crabby, crabby bank.
This morning, I was kind of tired, but not jetlagged, just
my usual morning crabbiness. Kate and I met up with Katia
and her boyfriend Anton, who is also visiting St. Petersburg,
and took the metro to this absolutely awesome place called
the Tea Spoon. Dude, you guys, it's like a McBlini! (For
those of you without Polish grandmas, blini are like cute
little pancakes folded up with some kind of meat or fruit
filling.) It's a fast food blini place! I ordered an apple
blinchiki with honey, and black tea. You get a little single
serving fast food teapot and tea cup! And then the guy whips
up a blini! I don't know what the hell my poli sci textbook
was talking about, saying that Russia was having trouble
embracing capitalism. Based on the McBlini and all the little
shops set up all over the street and in the metro, and the
guy hawking tourist boat rides at every canal, I think Russia
is figuring things out. Anyway.
We walked down Bolshoi Prospekt, a shopping area, and I
discovered that Russian storekeepers have a disturbing affinity
for animatronic window decorations. In almost every window
there were all these hugely creepy dudes sporting suits
or cooking or reading books. Aiee. And Katia says she found
an anamatronic Pushkin up the street by the Bronze Horseman!
So weird. I did find and purchase some very spiffy winter
boots in black leather. They're skintight and come up to
my knees. Rock. I didn't have room in my suitcase to bring
mine from home, but these are better.
Pirates of the Caribbean is on all the marquees.
I think I need to go see it in Russian. It'll be, um, educational.
A real vocabulary builder.
At three, I returned to the hotel to meet my host family.
But that's whole 'nother entry.
- declared by Liusia @ 6:47
AM
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